Friday, January 11, 2013

I've thought a long time about whether or not I should write this post, because it is so personal and still so fresh. But it has been on my mind a lot lately and I would really like to share with you some of my thoughts. 

21. That's how old my little brother will be in a couple hours. Or how old he would have been. I mentioned in an earlier post that he passed, and it has been almost a full year. It seems so crazy to be saying that already. Our Tony Bologna. That's what we always called him growing up. It has been such a hard year, not having him around, but in a way it's harder for all of my family who lived near him and saw him all the time. I've lived in Oregon for four years now, so to go a while without talking wasn't uncommon for us. And now that is one of my regrets. That I didn't talk to him more after I moved away. And the fights we still had like we were both still teenagers. Or the fact that I didn't give him a hug and tell him I loved him the last time we talked. The thing I've realized though, is that I can't go on always thinking about the regrets I have. I know that he knew I loved him. So I would rather share with you a little bit about him, and how great of a guy he was.

Tony was my only brother, the next after me, and the only boy out of seven kids! We were only 18 months apart, so we were inseparable. We fought like crazy, but we were also always there for each other. We told each other everything, and I mean everything! We had no secrets between us, and the code we followed was that we never ratted on one another for the things we had done. We couldn't really, because as soon as one would threaten to tattle, the other had something else just as bad to use! Growing up we had a lot of the same friends, and it was always Amy and Tony. We did pretty much everything together.

At Grandma and Grandpa's

As teenagers we had our issues. I suppose all siblings are like that. And I don't think I ever gave him enough credit for how good of a kid he was. He was so friendly and likable. He treated everyone around him like they were friends and he was always smiling. He was hard working, and responsible, and he was always one of the most respectful kids around. I know he touched so many lives in the short time he was with us, and a community all grieved together when he left.

Being cheesy!

Tony was also such a good example to all of those around him, and I know that my faith was strengthened in knowing him. We all think that we'll never be able to handle that day when someone we love is taken, but my family was given so much peace and I'm so very thankful for that. 

20th Birthday

Free birthday Dutch Bros.

Last year he got to take a road trip to Portland to go to an NBA game, and then he came down to stay with me. I was so happy he was coming over, and I was really looking forward to spending time with him. I got to spend his birthday with him, and I am so, so very thankful that I got to spend that time with him. I know that was a gift from God to me. But we didn't do all of the fun stuff we had planned, and like I said, I will always regret not hugging him good bye. It wasn't something I even thought about at the time, and it wasn't until it was too late that I even remembered. So I try to use that as a lesson to always tell my loved ones how I feel, and give lots and lots of hugs! Because you never know which one might be your last. 

It still surprises me how hard it can hit me. Like all of my breath is gone, and all I can do is sob because I just miss him so badly! But it never lasts long before I feel that peace again. Because I know he is in a better place, I am absolutely certain of that. So there's no way I can really wish he were here, I can only hope and pray to meet him again someday. 

I also wanted to share this song. I absolutely love love love Mumford and Sons, and Tony did too. Their album Sigh No More was my soundtrack to the months after, and every time I listen to it I think of Tony. This song, 'After the Storm' in particular is one of my favorites, so I hope you enjoy it!

You Might Also Like


  1. What a sweet, heartfelt post. I'm sure it was hard to write. I am so sorry. I know you cherished the time you had with him. I will say a prayer for your and your family! xo


Thanks so much for commenting! I love and read all of your comments, and I reply by email.

Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook