This week brought about an unpleasant turn of events which means, once again, I am on a diet! That dirty word that (most) all women dread and spend their lives obsessing over. At least mine seems to anyway. I have spent most of the last four years (all of my marriage to date) dealing with weight issues. As a teenager I dealt with most of the problems that a lot of girls do, low self-esteem, constantly picking my body apart, and what not. Then right after high school I got married, moved 500 miles away from most of my friends and family, and packed on 30 lbs. in nine months! I am 5'3" and I stayed pretty consistently between 115-120 lbs. as a teenager, and by the time my one year wedding anniversary rolled around I weighed at least 155 lbs! I say at least because I didn't have regular access to a scale, and I was big enough to know that I didn't want to know how bad it had gotten.

After not having school, and a job, and sports to help keep me trim, and depression keeping me completely unmotivated, I'm really not surprised I gained as much as I did. It was fall of 2009 that I decided to do something about it. I got a gym membership and started following the Weight Watchers program. I lost several pounds very quickly and within a couple of weeks I was down to 143. And that's where I stayed. For another year. I just wasn't very good with the whole dieting thing. Working out I could do. I have always liked to be fit, and sports were always fun. I ran my first 5k that year and it was a blast! But ask me to give up food and I just have to say no.

I am a self realized sugar addict, an emotional eater, a binge-er, and just a general food lover. I have almost no self control! And the problem isn't that I don't like the good stuff, because I do. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, all that healthy food that we're supposed to eat, I do. And I like it. But, I LOVE the bad stuff! Anything with sugar, (white) bread, butter, oil, salt, lots of calories, and lots of flavor, and I just have no self control. If I like it, I eat and eat it until I am completely stuffed.  And as terribly bad as I know it is, and I really do know, McDonald's is one of my favorite fast food places. But, it's not just fast food and over processed packaged stuff, it's homemade baked goods, biscuits, cakes, cookies, cobblers, and any comfort food you can think of. And it's a good thing I just ate breakfast or I would be in my kitchen right now binging! Ha!

In the fall of 2009 my best friend Kayla got engaged, so that meant I wanted to look as good for her wedding as possible. That winter I lost, very slowly, about 13 lbs. It took several months and a lot of struggle but I did it. I felt great and I felt more like my old self, even though I was still heavier and I didn't make my original goal to reach 120-125. But, I was happy with how I looked at the wedding in June of 2011, and I thought that I would be able to maintain it no problem. Then, later down the road, I could hop back on the diet wagon and lose that last five to ten pounds, because really? What's five or ten pounds?

Well, over the last year and a half I have put back on almost all of those 13 lbs. I weighed myself a few days ago and I am back up to 140! Now some people I know would say "Oh brother! 140?? That's nothing, you look fine!" But for me it's not fine. I know I'm not as petite as some, but 5'3" still falls under petite, and at this weight I am walking that line between healthy and overweight for my height. I am not comfortable in my skin at this weight, and I want to be. But mostly I want to reach a healthy weight and maintain it, because all of this yo-yoing these past few years is not good for my body at all. I thought I had it figured out last time, but I guess I didn't, and I now I am dreading the struggle that comes with that ugly four letter word.

Today is day three of my diet, but I'm hoping this time it becomes more of a lifestyle change. I already still use some of the tools and tricks I used to. I use small plates when I eat, I only use stevia in my daily coffee, I order espresso drinks nonfat and half sweet, and I drink water at work instead of soda. I guess now though I have to step it up, and I'm only going to do it for ten weeks. My goal is to lose 15 lbs in those ten weeks, and I'm planning on ending it there whether I am successful or not. I figure if I am really diligent, that should be very doable, and if I fall a little shy of that number, I'll be o.k. with it. The real challenge though will be keeping it off. Apparently it's not as easy as I thought it was, and I will be ending literally days before the holidays begin! But I think I will be able to find that balance, to still have to foods that I love so much, but in moderation so that I don't derail myself.

I know that I have a struggle ahead, but I'm confident I can do it though, because I want to be the healthiest I can be. And hopefully this time it sticks!